What If He’s Really, Really, Nice But There’s No POW!?
What sparked a very interesting conversation with the receptionist at my doctor’s office yesterday is the fact that what she said reflects how most people view dating today. Since this is a story, I’ll not add the usual bullets and headlines, but hopefully you’ll find it interesting.
For the sake of keeping our receptionist’s identity private, we’ll call her Sophia.
Twenty-something Sophia stood about 5’8″, stunning in her large hooped earrings, dark brown frilly blouse with a white lab over coat. She is a large-boned woman, with a perfect smile who is as genuine as she is intelligent.
As I approached her desk to check out, Sophia turned to her co-worker and said, “I feel led to ask Ms. Frazier this question to get her opinion on the matter.”
She looked at me hesitantly. I smiled broadly back at her in hopes that she would feel more comfortable asking an auspicious question. I could tell this was something that really bothered her.
She began, “Mrs. Frazier, I went out with a guy last night who was reeeeeally, really nice, but I didn’t feel that certain “POW!” that I normally get. Do you know what I mean?”
I knew exactly what she meant, she didn’t feel physically attracted to him and was concerned about that. She went on…
“Shouldn’t I have felt that POW, or at least something? I mean he is really, really, nice and I wanted it to be there ya know? But it just wasn’t.” She tossed her hands in the air and shrugged her shoulders.
I could see she felt perplexed by this disappointment so I said, “Would you mind if I asked you a few questions before I answer that?”
She nodded and said, “Of course!”
I paused, looked her in the eye and asked, “Out of all the relationships you’ve ever had, were any of the men really kind to you?”
She didn’t hesitate to respond loudly, “Ha! Nooooo…..none of them were!” She gave a nervous laugh, rolled her eyes in the direction of her co-worker and looked back at me.
I suspected that would be her answer so I said, “Then maybe you’re not comfortable with men who are kind, but rather men who are unkind yet good looking.”
Her back straightened immediately as if to say I had her undivided attention. I proceeded to ask her another question. “Sophia, my next question is, have you ever sat down to write out a list of the character traits you want to see in a man you date?”
She thought for a moment, then said, “Hmmm….no…well when I was 16 I did, but that was a long time ago. Definitely not lately.”
The atmosphere shifted as another employee walked into the room. She pretended not to notice but I felt myself shift from speaking with her about her personal life to a more broad discussion.
“Its been my experience, Sophia, that if I choose to do something that makes me uncomfortable, I know I’m about to step into an area where I’ll learn the most. And if I make a list of what I want rather than what I don’t want, I’ll set my intentions to create what I want. Make sense?”
“Wow, that’s powerful!” She exclaimed. “Then you think I should go out with him again because he’s opposite of what I’m used to?”
I paused and said, “I think when you decide how you want to be treated, you’ll know what you want in a man. You’ll also know what kind of emotionally strong person you want to become.”
This shift in perspective brought instant relief to Sophia, as well as to her co-workers in the room. They each discussed how it applied to their own lives and how differently they could managing dating in the future.
In case you find yourself in a similar experience as Sophia, a place where you’re looking for the ‘POW’ and wind up with someone kind instead, give it a try for a while and see if you get different results.
Writing down the character traits you wish to see in someone else will help you become more aware of who you choose to date. If you reflect on these traits long enough, you might find its not fair to ask it of others if you’re not producing them yourself.
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