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When you love someone, but you’re not compatible, you have a choice to make

IMG_5811When you love someone, even though you’re clearly not compatible, you have a choice to make.

1. You can choose to love them in spite of the fact they seem to break everything – especially your heart
– or –
2. You can eventually go your separate ways because of incompatibility

This wonderful choice began the day you were born…

Males and females were created incompatibly different from birth. If you believe the story of creation then you know man was made from the dust of the earth, and woman was formed from Adam’s rib, according to scripture.  We know that dust of the earth, and ribs from a human being are also made up of  completely different cells and particles. One could even say, they’re incompatible, right?

Jon and I have loved one another since our teen years, but admittedly the choice to love has sometimes been more than difficult over the course of our 33 year marriage. (BTW….my husband thought it was important for me to tell you that he read and approved this message. He was concerned I would be judged harshly if you didn’t know that ahead of time. Presh, right?)

Continuing on…

Being a male, Jon often sees things competitively – as in winning or losing, as in right or wrong. That means whether we’re in an important discussion, or carrying heavy things, or even grocery shopping, it all somehow becomes a game of winning or losing.

Being female, I often see things as a collaborative adventure. I love discussing important matters, taking my time shopping to get the healthiest ingredients for my family, and though I don’t take myself too seriously, I view life as a series of moments. Evey moment is another opportunity to impact others in a positive, non-competitve way.

Being male, he often sees hunting for the right bargain or gathering the best wood to work on his next project – often enjoying time alone in his man cave. For most men, communication is not a favorite past time but they don’t mind being in the same room together.

Being female, I decide if something is in alignment with my spirit or not. I don’t mind making a healthy  investment if so. I love working together because I thrive on problem solving, learning new skills and growing in relationship together.  I also view healthy communication as vitally important to all relationships.IMG_5837

We were created to be different

I think you might agree that my husband and I come from two completely different perspectives.  Although I believe that the influences we choose to put into our brains usually impact our lifestyle tremendously, I also believe that God made us different for a good reason.  SO DIFFERENT in fact, that it often requires us to dig deep into our soul to choose forgiveness and love, which takes an act of unselfishness.

But here’s the thing…we need each other to live, love and learn.  Jon and I together discovered an incredible secret to love that needs to be shared in a significant way. This is one reason for my article.

UNITY saves marriages

Did you know that unity is achievable even when we’re not compatible? Check this out.

“COMPATIBILITY is the state of existence or occurrence without problems or conflict.”

“UNITY is the state of being united or joined as a whole.”

Did you catch that last word??  WHOLE!

So being compatible is existing while being united produces wholeness.

While you may think this is just Symantec’s, I can assure you its definitely not.  When we unite on important matters because they’re important, we find harmony and peace.

Jon and I didn’t understand that there was an actual strategy to marriage. It wasn’t until we were good and ready to walk away from each that God allowed me to see it.  That’s when I shared it with him and we both finally agreed to unite and get started to achieve it.

Unity doesn’t even glance at incompatibility

Discussions of unity turn up everywhere long before you’re married. If you think back to your dating life you might be able to see how you actually achieved outstanding unity over and over again.

You: “Do you want to go dancing?”

Date: “Sure. Do you?”

You: “Sure! Where do you want to go?”

Date: “How about trying out the new dance club downtown?

You: ” Okay! Lets go shake a leg!”

And off you went, leg shaking your way to a unified outcome.  Then came discussions of growing old together, what your first house would look like, what type of trips you wanted to take together, how many kids you wanted to have.  There were many unifying factors that started your relationship off. Some people call them goals or dreams to attain, but whatever you call them, your relationship has never been about simple existing.

Can you imagine what that might sound like?

You: “Do you want to go dancing?”

Date: “Huh? Do you?”

You: “Maybe. Where do you want to go?”

Date: “I’m not sure. There’s a new dance club downtown?

You: “Yeah I heard that too.”

And there you sit. No leg shaking, no more thought of dancing, planning or achieving some form of unity.

Unity produces an outcome of WHOLENESS the moment you say, “I do”.  IMG_5839

The day you took your vows was like hearing “POW!” inside your head. I remember looking at the ring on my finger saying to my little sister, “Oh my gosh, I’ve just become Mrs. Frazier. Can you believe it?!”  Little did I know how utterly incompatible we were at that moment, or how utterly beautiful unifying would be had I only known.

Oddly enough, divorcing because you are incompatible is actually pretty lame because you’re just stating a fact without realizing that it has nothing to do with being married.

Lets take a look at two of the major excuses for break up’s for instance.

FINANCES: You may not like spread sheets and yet he may not be able to do life without them. You try to get him to use a normal check book and he insists on using spread sheets.  You may have been fighting for so long about the spreadsheet issue that you’ve neglected to stay focused on the unifying factors of how much you both wanted to give, invest, save, spend, etc. Working toward unity allows you to come back to the goals you initially had together and find a way to support one another.  This brings peace into your home, not to mention a few good snuggles.

SEX: You want more intimacy. He wants more sex.  He doesn’t know that intimacy is something that can be accomplished in simple ways that would give him all the sex he wants.  Working toward being emotionally connected is working toward unity.  When he emotionally connects to you, you finally feel loved, cherished and ready to respond to his every need.

My husband and I have changed many aspects in our marriage in strategic ways, similar to those I just mentioned. We’ve learned to love each other differently, unifying on every level that is important to us to achieve success and stay joyfully married. We’ve learned to find the best in each other so we can enjoy our time together.  In fact, we just celebrated our 34th year as husband and wife, while accepting that we are unapologetically IMG_5845incompatible. We are also 100% certain that the trajectory of our marriage has changed permanently thanks to God’s amazing grace.

As I continue to share God’s original plan to UNITE us to WHOLENESS again, I’m very grateful that you, my dear reader, have a willingness to see the difference and apply it to your own life.  If you found value in this article feel free to share it and leave your thoughts below. The more couples we can make aware of unity, the more marriages we can save.  You may also find value in my latest book called, Love Differently Stay Married.

Always Love,

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Founder at Connecting LLC
After persevering through a traumatic brain injury and death of family members in 2007, Kellie Frazier was blessed with a miracle. As she pressed into God's vision for her life, she went on to publish several books while helping others publish their books. She finds great fulfillment in living a loving CHRIST-ian lifestyle. A devoted wife and mother for more than 34 years, she loves God, and others as she loves herself.

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