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How To Be Competent In Thoughts And Actions

Screen Shot 2013-12-27 at 8.51.29 AMAre you a competent business partner, employee, executive, parent or spouse?  Or do you spend half of your waking hours feeling incompetent, guilty, or afraid that someone will find out you’re a fraud, a phony, a fake in some area of your life?

In America, the number of women supporting their families, either as primary bread winner or co-breadwinners, is 47% or higher depending on nationality.  There is also a stereotype about women that we haven’t yet shaken and that is we need to be ‘nice’, and all things to everyone, on top of being a bread winner.


What I’ve observed in my clients, friends and associates is that most women are not thinking about ‘having it all,‘ because they’re too worried about losing it all; meaning their jobs, health, relationships with close friends and their family’s financial stability.  These worries can, and do, contribute to a lack of competence at work—or in any area of their life.  This worry and feeling guilty can seriously hurt their future.

The interesting aspect about competence is that men, in most cases, do not feel the same lack of competence as women do because of old stereotypes that the man is the breadwinner, better at math and science, while the woman stays at home and is the more creative type who raises the family. This isn’t just a stereotype but also a religious conviction for many.

A classic example of this would be when my husband would often announce to our friends that he was good at fixing things while I was good at fixing relationships.  What he didn’t know at the time was how this belief (or lack mentality) affected us both.  It was a cop-out for him to not work at having good relationships with his family, while at the same time it confirmed that I wasn’t good at fixing things.

Having a lack mentality kills competence in any area of life.  You must choose to step up and become better at what you think you lack, or you might risk losing it all.

5 Competence Points

(Excerpted from the best selling book, The Charge, by Brendon Burchard)

Here’s what educational psychologists and human-performance coaches know about competence:

  1. Your competence level determines what you will give attention to. When you don’t feel competent, you tend not to pay attention to problems, conflicts, or bigger challenges and opportunities—because you don’t feel you can handle them. in this way, a lack of competence leads to more delay and procrastination.
  2. Your competence level determines your choice of tasks and activities. when you feel capable and confident that you can understand, perform in, and master your world, you are willing to take on harder tasks. This, of course, generally leads to more learning and more success at work. if you feel incapable, you focus on the easier tasks and quickly become a slave to safety.
  3. Your competence level determines your effort level. hard workers believe they can create positive outcomes with their effort, so they try harder. it seems all too simple, but expert performance studies have shown over and over that if you believe you are competent, you will work harder (and, yes, smarter).
  4. Your competence level determines how adaptable and resilient you will be. This one has surprising implications for how successful you will be in life and at work. Those who trust their abilities to understand, perform, and master their worlds are more willing to adjust their courses if something isn’t working. They get up faster when knocked down, because they take the knockdown as a lesson rather than a defeat.

Ladies, your competence level determines whether you will lead or follow in your finances, your relationships, your work, etc.  We need more women showing they feel competent to handle challenges, even if it’s a stretch.  Trust you will figure out the challenge with others as you pursue a new, grander vision. Women who don’t trust in a higher power, or their abilities to understand, perform, and master their worlds can rarely even see a grand vision for themselves or others, let alone actively, courageously, and consistently go after it.

We need more portrayals and examples of women who love God, love their work and their family, and can thrive in these areas. It doesn’t have to be one over the other unless that is the choice you make.  Competency IS possible in many areas of life but we have to stop believing the stereotypes.

Here is the #1 question women ought to be asking themselves:   “What would I do if I wasn’t afraid of anything?”

With so much on the line, how can you activate your drive for competence in a healthy and energizing way?

You often need a desire to step up; something that becomes your “WHY”.  Will it be your children and wanting more time with them? Is about beefing up your financial portfolio? Strengthening your relationships or lowering your stress levels?

A Competence Assessment

On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest, be ruthlessly honest with yourself when you respond to these 5 questions:

  1. How often do your words (your bio, your talks, your workshops, your parenting) reflect the competence of who you are as a person?
  2. How much has your schedule reflected what’s really important for you to be the highest and best person you are?
  3. Are you investing your time in the best possible power of who you are?
  4. How much does your team, your family or your friends reflect the power of who you are?
  5. How much does your physical body reflect who you are and how competent you are?

Motivation to be competent comes from working on things we care about and working with people we care about. We need people around us who can be our champions, and who can be there when we need compassion and understanding.

Emotions were given to both males and females and is often what drives us to make decisions.  Using both logic and emotion/compassion when deciding what areas you want to beef up your competence level. Taking one area at a time is HIGHLY recommended.

Competence is a decision. This decision to BE competent can only lead you to greater success.  Your deepest desires are waiting to open a new world of possibilities for you and the DOL Team is ready to help you get there.

Suggested Resources:

Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg and The Charge by Brandon Burchard



Founder at Connecting LLC
After persevering through a traumatic brain injury and death of family members in 2007, Kellie Frazier was blessed with a miracle. As she pressed into God's vision for her life, she went on to publish several books while helping others publish their books. She finds great fulfillment in living a loving CHRIST-ian lifestyle. A devoted wife and mother for more than 34 years, she loves God, and others as she loves herself.

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